don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I could fuck to npr.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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