i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize