Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I cockslap morals
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
