i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
