just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They took my balls.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
