i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
