My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize