Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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