you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
