I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
