porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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