peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
