he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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