For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
