Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
