I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
