Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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