Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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