I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't deserve a penis
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
