Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
