I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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