I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
