i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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