he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize