I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
