she smelled like a LAN party
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
