I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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