I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize
