Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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