I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
