she woke up with a sticky ear
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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