escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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