There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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