I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
