the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
