i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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