R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
