She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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