the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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