Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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