I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No subtext here. People are naked.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
