I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
