So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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