I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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