life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she peed on how many people?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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