Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize