Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my shit smells like andre
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
