She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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