let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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