I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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