Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
