he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Your penis caused this!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
