Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
