Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
