my mouth tastes like poor choices
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
