it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
