apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
