Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
