I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
