He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize