pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
