If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
