I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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